How to deal with Emotional Pain..
Emotions play a very important role in our lives. Emotions influence our thoughts, feelings, decisions, and even our health. Hence, we must know how to deal with emotional pain and take control.
What happens when someone attacks you by unkind words ? You are hurt. Do you feel sad if the person is one of your loved ones or you feel annoyed and angry if the person is not related to you? It is disturbing and painful in both the cases .
Emotional Pain from Hurtful Words:
You cannot control other people. They would always behave according to their personality or their choice. When they say unkind and hurtful words or throw any negativity towards you, always remember it has got nothing to do with you ; it has got everything to do with them. Only they are accountable and responsible for their beliefs, feelings and actions. They make a conscious choice to act in a certain way and you are not responsible for that.
When a person is happy, you see the smile on his face. The smile spreads and adds to his happiness and shows his joyful state of mind. Similarly, when a person is rude and complaining that shows his negative state of mind, which he is trying to spread unconsciously. You receive the words, process them in your mind and feel terrible. They do not necessarily have to hurt you; its always your choice to be hurt by them.
- Now that you know that the person who is trying to hurt you is already in terrible pain, you can just empathize.
- Get detached. Do not receive his words to process in your brain. Just like you watch a fire show, let them burst and you can watch them from a distance.
- Never Copy. You would generally get a strong urge to do that but you must resist.
- Never let their state of mind overpower yours. Understand your personality and temperament and stick to that. If you are a nice and a kind person always be so. Do not let yourself get influenced by someones advice to leave behind your good qualities just because the other party does not deserve your noble actions. Never regret the moments of happiness you give to someone even when you think he does not deserve it.
Emotional Pain from a loss or a crisis
We grieve when we go through a loss or a crisis. We go through different feelings of sadness, anger, denial, disbelief, frustration, acceptance, etc during that phase.
Research has shown that if we allow it to happen without restraining it intense emotions surge in 90 seconds and then recede. Interestingly 90 seconds is also the time a woman takes to go through her peak and intense contraction during a childbirth.
However, if you resist grieving it may last for many years as unexpressed and suppressed pain with devastating results.
According to psychologists, there are two kinds of pain involved when we grieve :
- Clean Pain – occurs by events.
- Dirty Pain – occurs by thoughts.
Instance 1 : You get slapped. The physical pain in your body is an example of clean pain. The thoughts, e.g. “I am not good enough”, etc is the dirty pain that leads to further suffering.
Instance 2 : You get to know that your loved one is diagnosed with a disease. The pain you get in your heart while receiving the news is a clean pain. And then if you keep thinking further like “His life is finished” or “No-one will ever love him”, etc. are dirty pain.
The thoughts that give us the dirty pain are not true. So when we meet with sad experience, we should grieve, move on, and get over it.
Understanding Emotional Crises
Food for Thought :
Instance 1 :
A person is sad, stressed and depressed.
Peoples’s response : “Hey, no big deal..its all in your head..Just shake it off !”
Frequency : Often
Instance 2 :
A person with a broken leg.
People response : “Hey, no big deal..Its all in your leg..Just walk it off !”
Frequency : NEVER
We are very particular about any physical injury we get and treat them. But surprisingly, most of us tend to ignore our emotional health which makes us more vulnerable to emotional injuries like sadness, anger, irritability, etc. This further leads to depression, cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, low immunity, and even early death.
Its is still very embarrassing for a large number of people to talk about their emotional health and they ignore such injuries completely. Like any other disease all emotional injuries have symptoms. We need to identify these symptoms and treat them. Sometimes we can treat them with an emotional first aid while at other times it requires expert’s attention.
Besides, we should also teach our children to maintain emotional hygiene just the way we teach them to maintain personal hygiene like brushing teeth, taking bath, etc. People talk about physical fitness and diet all the time. No doubt those are very essential part of our life. But what about mental fitness ? Mental health is equally important and there is still a huge lacuna when it comes to recognition in most people’s mind.
Loneliness feels like an emptiness in your heart. Loneliness is one of the most common emotional injury that effects more than 40% of the adults. Death, break-ups, miscarriages, moving to a new place, getting a new job, loved ones moving out, and so on can lead to loneliness. You can be lonely even if you are busy in your work or interacting with people whole day.
Loneliness pushes you in a world of delusion where you start believing that there is no one to love and care for you. Studies have shown that loneliness is as harmful as cigarette smoking. Alas! There is no way to measure how lonely you are. This decreases your immunity and increases the risk of cardiovascular disease.
What can help :
One needs to be seen, heard and valued to feel less lonely. That can happen through making real connections. Making new connections can be very challenging when you are already lonely. Forming rituals helps in building connections. Rituals are repeated actions powered by intentions and habits. For example, fitness class in the morning, pursuing your hobbies on fixed days of the week, spending time with family, bedtime ritual, and so on.They provide immunity to us from daily wear and tear of our lives.These rituals also make us strong and expands our heart with compassion, kindness, & positivity.
We human beings are social creatures. In earlier days, out casting from tribes used to be a severe form of punishment, which even led to death. This shows how sensitive we are to rejection. When you feel ignored, you are at a very high risk of dirty pain. You might even start emotional bleeding ( digging your wound deeper and deeper) by thinking about all your faults and shortcoming so as to justify the rejection and in turn further hurting your self esteem.
What can help :
Treat yourself with same compassion and kindness that you would expect from a friend. Psychologists advice to write down an essay on 5 good qualities you have elaborating on why these qualities are valuable and how they have helped others. This method has shown remarkable results and it builds up your self esteem. Always remember that this world is full of good people, but you need to focus on the right ones.
Different people react differently to failure. You need to be aware of how your mind reacts to failure. It hampers your self confidence and develops fear, which effects your next attempt. People easily get convinced that they are incapable and that is why we see so many people function much below than their actual potential.
What can help :
A change of perception. You should understand that there is no such thing as failure. Its either success or learning. One can read biographies of great achievers to understand how successful people have dealt with failure and overcome it. You would soon realize that you are still on an incredible journey of life where you are bound to meet with success if persevered with hard work and dedication. Do not quit.
This refers to chewing over and over. When you experience something bad, you keep replaying the whole incident in your mind over and over again. The urge to do this is very strong. Rumination is an extremely dangerous and costly habit. It is very difficult to stop. When you ruminate you are at a very high risk of clinical depression.
What can help :
Be aware of your thoughts. Once you realize that you are getting into the viscous cycle distract yourself. Any kind of distraction of 2 minutes or more helps you to come out from the viscous cycle of rumination. Watch a movie, talk to a friend, or do anything but make sure to distract yourself.
1.Unhealthy beliefs of Ourselves : When you start to envy someones success or you start feeling sorry for yourself , you get stuck in life and you make it very difficult to find a solution to your problem. So never compare yourself with others. Always compare yourself with what you were yesterday than today.
2.Unhealthy Belief of Others : Everything you have in your life is based upon your decisions. So never blame someone else for your situation. We generally think others can control us but that is not true. Be proactive and take control of your life.
3.Unhealthy Belief of the World : You must accept the fact that life is unfair and stop expecting rewards anytime you put in some effort. Enjoy life as it comes. Be ready for surprises even when its not a pleasant one. Take charge and make your own world.
You go to gym and work out to gain physical strength. But in order to get results you need to give up on junk food. Similarly, if you want mental strength you need to build up good habits like practicing gratitude and give up on bad habits like resenting someones success and so on.
You have the potential to be joyful in every second of your life.Find joy in your present even if you are in a debate. Stop thinking that you can be happy after dealing with the current situation.When you encounter difference in opinion, do not freak out but acknowledge the others perspective. Take control of your emotions. Life is just like an adventure sport, where you have fun when you are in control. Or you get scared when you loose control. So take control and you can have fun all the time.
By taking action, when you are lonely, changing your responses to failure, protecting your self esteem and battling negative thinking, you would not just heal your emotional hurt but also become emotionally resilient. You will thrive!
Click here to find out how to get a good sleep.
Click here to know all about your cup of coffee.